The Reckoning

Markets in freefall? Not sure what’s in that CDO surprise? Can’t remember who’s supposed to be bailing out the monolines this week? Just remember this: you could have bigger problems.

With oil flick There Will be Blood and legal thriller Michael Clayton both up for best film this year at the Oscars, the corporate world has been given an insight into how film-makers view capitalism. And the results aren’t pretty. Because surely there’s no better way to unwind after a hard day at the office than to go out and off a few of your irritating evangelical neighbours or conscience-stricken colleagues.

What, one wonders, is Hollywood’s problem? Both films might have lost out in the end to the remorseless No Country for Old Men, but not since the heady days of Oliver Stone has capitalism had to undergo such excruciating examination. Is this relentless movie bleakness another key data indicator that we are already in a recession? And why does killing all your barber shop clients make for a good business model? Does it only lead to good earnings growth if you’re running a pie shop on the side?

After ruminating on these perplexing issues for rather longer than is necessary, it seems Hollywood may be trying to tell us something, so here is a handy checklist for all of us down at the screen face powering on through the endless recession-led negativity. Just in case you’re ever faced with a tricky corporate dilemma.

Don’t lose it in the middle of an important class action law suit you are defending and run naked through a car park in a snow storm.

Don’t burble incoherently in the street whilst clutching 20 baguettes – it will be tricky to persuade anyone of your moral argument.

Don’t steal any money from drugs deals gone wrong.

If you’re offered a deal TAKE IT, no matter how unpalatable it might seem at the time.

Don’t send someone else to terminate the original contractor you hired for the job – this is unlikely to go over well.

Don’t accept the offer of a shave from two dishevelled Goths you just “happen” to meet in the street.

Don’t browbeat demented oil barons into professions of faith just because they want to run a pipeline across your land.

Don’t go bowling with demented oil barons, even if you need the money.

And most of all: don’t forget about drainage.